Walking into Fear

These past couple of days I've really had to knuckle down and push past a fear barrier of mine. The new gym I've been attending has been a bit busier over the school holidays/Easter break, and I don't deal well with - er - people. Now, some would maybe presume, oh, you have social anxiety -

No, there is a difference between social anxiety and the uncomfortableness that someone with autism can feel in an environment that contains a group of people. This is something that took me a long time to understand about myself, and I wish I understood it more when I was younger, and I'd get entirely over-stimulated inside classrooms, or church or birthday parties.

It isn't that I didn't want to be in the places - I wanted SO much to be there. I still do. I love being around people. This is why I don't say I have social anxiety, because I don't - I'm not anxious about meeting people, or talking to people - it just doesn't come naturally, I'm not a naturally open, talkative person.

So, this past weekend, the gym has been full of people and I've had to force myself to attend. It's even given me nightmares. This place that I love, a place of comfort and good vibe, has become invaded by a ick feeling of - ewww - people.

I donno, guys, it's really hard to describe the weird, gross feeling that crawls up my spine when I walk into the gym and it's full. I can't relax in a place that is supposed to be relaxing, because now I have to be constantly aware of all these people, because my brain is wired to constantly be aware of everything, especially, people. There was this one piece of gym equipment I wanted to use today, for example, but to get to it I had to go past the free-weights section that was completely packed. And the worst things was, the gym just kept getting more and more busier the longer I stayed. So I got on the bike instead and jammed to some music.

I am hyper aware of this sensitivity to people proximity, and being aware of it also makes me aware that I often have to challenge it; to be super nerdy, it's like All-Might stepping up to a villain called Overstimulation, and just, not backing down. I don't want to be trapped and contained by what people refer to as being neurodivergent. So, that's why I have forced myself to go the gym, as per-usual. Giving into this fear is not an option. Even though it is exhausting on so many levels to fight through.

We weren't given a spirit of fear. (2 Timothy 1:7)

I don't actually mind people in the right settings. See - I love pop culture conventions. I could attend these all year, every single one, every city - I would also LOVE to go to book conventions. I'd love to meet people and talk about BOOKS, I'd love to meet publishers and editors and writers, and just listen to them talk about books, and publishing, and illustrating. I don't care if all I did was just take coffee to people, I would relish the environment, because its BOOKS, and pop-culture, and everything within me sings when I'm in that space.

So I very much understand that sometimes it can be about finding the right place for yourself, a place you feel comfortable. It isn't that these situations don't still take from your reserves, or that they don't overwhelm the brain, it's that they're worth pushing through the fear barrier to reach the other side.

But yeah... It's not like I'd ever get invited to a book convention. Girl can dream, right.