Turning Thirty-Six

I'm turning Thirty- Six. Yeah, so, thirty-six is a bit of a daunting number, I'll be honest. It's closer to forty than I'm overly comfortable being, and that's not to say that I think forty is old or anything, it's more the deep rooted worries of biological clocks that come with being over thirty-five bring.

It will never not hurt, the pain of having not experienced the joy of walking through life and sharing my faith with a partner, and raising children with them. I have given up on the hope of meeting someone and starting a family, I actually do not believe it is at all within my capabilities to achieve - and I leave it entirely in Gods hands. If it is to be so, then it will be, and if not - then I will walk forward into our Eternity, having been blessed with a tremendous family in which to share life with. I mean, I have an amazing sister who made me the BEST cake on the weekend. Thanks Mel. ^_^

I have always wanted to be a mother, and feeling the loss of that dream being stripped away year over year has been devastating to my self-esteem and sense of self-worth. It has been something I have truly had to work on, to find who I am beyond nebulous identities and flaky emotions. Yet even learning the security of my solid foundation in Christ, of the beauty I have as a daughter of the King of the Universe, sometimes - okay, yeah, lots of the time - I falter and fall, and crumble. I'll admit, living with chronic pain is exhausting on so many levels.

It's all a work-in-progress.

Life itself is a work-in-progress.

We are ever learning, ever growing, ever changing, even at thirty-six. I said to my Dad that I just don't feel thirty-six. I love the things I loved when I was young(er), I am still a massive fan of anime, a huge science fiction nerd, and an avid gamer. I get so excited over ridiculously silly things like cartoons (Devil May Cry, currently, and alas, I have no one to geek out over it with). I just now also happen to go to the gym, and I love boxing...so...adult me is a little fitter. ^_^;;

The direction that life has taken me in hasn't been at all what I expected, but amongst this confusion I find myself shifting through, I have been stumbling upon a warmth. It has been slow, like a little flower unfurling...or...a little ember of a slowly building fire. Perhaps I cannot become a mother in the traditional sense, but - I have a home, and I have much love to give.

So -

I will give.

And that is what I will do, in this thirty-sixth year and those beyond it - I will open my heart, and I will give.

I used AI on a photo - it means I can post a picture of myself and one of my host students. ^_^;;