Turning Thirty-Seven

A Garden Bed Life

I feel like a completely different person than who I was this time last year.

For such a long time I tried to force myself to find a community, to fit in, to go to a church, to find friends, to meet 'The One' - or even 'The Group' - and I was met with a wall.

Pain.

Just pain.

No matter what I did, or how I did it, I could not move pass that wall.

So I gave up.

I told God that I was throwing all that at his feet and it was his problem to deal with. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take hoping for a husband or kids, or finding a community, because it was breaking me. The hope was burning me from the inside out.

So here - take the hope, I surrender it - take it God, it's yours, do with it what you will.

I am so done.

And I guess I have been trying to figure out who I am outside of that hope which has kept me going all these years.

And I'm not sad about it, it's more like a quiet exhale, that fine - if pain and fatigue it is, and if I can't really leave the house, then I will make my house into the most wonderful, fabulous and welcoming house ever! I'll build my life up from here.

Maybe these walls are actually the shape of the life I am meant to grow within, like a garden bed.

I have utterly no idea what the future has in store - but it had better involve human's landing on the Moon again in 2028 - cause if that doesn't happen before I'm 40 then I will be VERY disappointed in humanity. 👩‍🚀⭐🌙