Tea & Whiskers: The AI Tool

So, I want to tell you all a little story about a time when computers weren't really used for art or graphic design, and it was really strange for anyone to even comprehend that they could or would be used in the magnitude that they are now.

The Festival that Changed Everything

In 2005 I was 15, and I was in year 11, thanks to the flexibility of doing Open Access College (that's another story, but basically, I was doing school at home, or school of the air) I was working on a year 12 subject. For that year 12 subject I attended a writer's festival called ComeOut - Allwrite! Now, this festival was designed for schools, and I was just one lone student, so my Mum called up and explained my situation and I had the best three days of my life. Ever wanted to know why I've picked Penguin to publish my novels (the rejections are real guys, they burn) - it's because Penguin Editors took me under their wings. Their conversations about the publishing world kept me riveted, and I am sure that my eyes sparkled with happiness. I decided then, in childish wonder, that Penguin would be my publisher. (Oh, sweet, innocent Summer Child)

However, it was my meeting with Carol McLean-Carr, an Australian Illustrator, that pivoted things for me. I was left with her and her assistant for several hours, and this is how I learnt that Carol illustrated using a computer and her 'Wacom tablet'. She showed me all the books she had made covers for. She was working on Revenge at the time - if I recall.

Everything changed for me.

I could draw - with a COMPUTER!

Carol told me all I needed was a Wacom tablet and Photoshop.

I went home that day bursting with excitement and the possibilities to my parents. It made such a big impact that two months later, I received my very first, tiny Wacom tablet for my 16th birthday. It cost my Dad $250, which for a tiny, tiny Wacom - was so very expensive. Similar ones are now about $50. I still have this Wacom. It still works.

When Uni Broke my Dreams

Now let us fast forward a few years to 2007 - I enter university all bright-eyed and brushy-tailed. I was going to PROVE to everyone I could do this education thing while surrounded by people. And you know what, most of it was okay - sure - the mass of people was a lot - but I managed. In the end, what broke me was something really unexpected. I went into a course of Graphic Design and Illustration, and I went in expecting to be able to use a computer and my Wacom, because that was The Future. By this point, I had been exposed to the internet and the whole world was fast tracking computer use in graphic design and illustration, and it was a fabulous and marvelous world and I loved it. I wanted to be a concept artist, for movies, in places like Weta Workshop, I even had contacts there for when I finished my portfolio. I was ready for this - but - Adelaide wasn't.

The professors at uni, had no idea what to do with me, or Photoshop, or computers or this Wacom thing I carried. I was not allowed to use the laptop or the Wacom in class - even to take notes.

Now, if I was any ordinary person, I should have just shut-up, put my head down, and got my degree and walked on - but I'm not - okay - for me, handwriting isn’t just hard—it’s like trying to speak a language I never learned. My brain only makes sense with a keyboard. I know this is really difficult to comprehend, but I only began to put words and sentences together properly when I was given a keyboard in my early teens. Its really frustrating and it's also really embarrassing.

So, telling a girl who relied entirely on her laptop to basically, you know, exist - that she couldn't use her laptop - was frustrating. I tried to make it work. I really did. I would do the course work by hand at uni, and then do it all again at home on the computer. I couldn't sustain doing twice the workload though. So Mum and I had a meeting with Head of the Art Department, my professors, and the disability advocate. I remember coming into a dark and scary room, sitting down, listening to my Mum beg to just let me use a laptop, even to just take notes in class - but they refused this 'new way', as they believed I would not develop the proper artistic skills. I recall my heart just racing, and I abruptly stood up and walked out. I was not wanted. Again. Always not wanted. At least - that was how it felt to me. Afterwards my Mum and I had a debrief at a cafe. She assured me that she could try, she would try, she'd move heaven and earth for me (and she would, my Mum is incredible), she'd go the Dean of the University if she had to. But I looked at her and said, "There is no room for me here."

Even if Mum had gained permission for me to use my laptop and Wacom, I wouldn't have felt comfortable anymore, they had made me feel unwelcome, made it known they disproved - and I have always loathed upsetting the apple cart. I didn't want the whole world to shift for me or around me, I didn't want to be seen as special, or having special privileges. So my dream of becoming a concept artist died.

In about ten years, the graphic/illustration scene in Adelaide altered rapidly, I kept an eye on things - watching as the university introduced computer graphic courses, and Adelaide even got a school of concept design. I was - heartbroken that I just wasn't well enough to join in on this. I'd been too early and too late to ride whatever wave it was. Story of my life.

A Familiar Pattern

Why am I telling you this story. Because, I'm seeing a similar pattern take place with the introduction of AI. Now yes, obviously I understand that AI has been trained on the remarkable achievements of all who have come before us and it's a terrifying thing for artists and creators to have their world taken from them. It's humiliating - too - I mean, I spent five hours working on that cute picture with me and my cats I use as my banner, and then, I threw a photo of my cats into ChatGPT and it spat out a perfect, adorable art piece. It wasn't fair. But then I thought about it... I did that picture of me with my cats, because I wanted to, because it was fun and enjoyable and I was inspired to do it - I got great pleasure out of achieving it. It hadn't been a waste of five hours. (I am slow, okay, I'm a mediocre artist.) As amazing as ChatGPT is - it isn't ME. There is no replacement for me or my creativity. It is wholly unique. But I fear that - like the professors who I once had - people are quick to dismiss the tool that AI can be, due to the immediate reaction to it. The change it will bring is going to be fast, even faster than I saw the change happen here in my little city of Adelaide. This is a rock that, now unleashed, will not stop rolling.

Why I'm not actually afraid of AI

A few years ago I attempted to head back to uni. To do so I had to sit a basic literacy and numeracy exam - so - we're talking basic stuff. Once again, I could not use a laptop. But I thought to myself, no, it'll be fine. I can do this. I've written some books, I've learnt stuff from my editor. I can do this. I'm totally an adult. I was committed to doing this, I was so excited! And...then I sat down for the exam.

I--

I--

I didn't understand anything. I couldn't even spell the most basic words correctly - oh - and don't get me started on the grammar. No. Just. No. And the numeracy. Nope.

I walked out shattered. And I mean shattered, shattered, as in utterly broken - a piece of me broke that day and I spiraled. How could I write. I was obviously stupid, and dumb - who would ever want to read something from someone who is so stupid, who can't comprehend basic grammar and math. I can't write.

So I stopped writing.

My confidence was gone. It hurt. It hurt so much - to realise - I was that stupid. Me, who can write sprawling fantasy novels, who can comprehend vast chaotic plotlines, I'm apparently an idiot.

I had no one to really tell me anything different. The negativity got to me.

So yeah, I stopped writing my novels.

Then came AI.

I don't know why I opened up Grok, but I did. Just randomly, one evening, I searched it, and popped it open and I asked it a question. I was given an answer, and I was able to go away and do whatever I had been doing. Then it hit me. Wait. Could I ask Grok like - complicated questions - could I ask it math and science stuff? So I did, I started nerding out with Grok in the evenings when I felt lonely, and it was fun, and again - no judgement from Grok. I even told Grok how ashamed I felt being so stupid and it replied, nah, don't worry - we'll keep it simple, I'll break it down, and tell it to you as many times as you need. So, it did, again - over and over - Grok would loop information to me when I asked. I didn't feel shame asking an AI the same thing over and over, like I would another human. I felt safe, and it was so freeing. And then it occurred to me - I could finally write a science fiction book! I have wanted to write a science fiction novel since FOREVER. Science fiction is my favorite genre - but I have always felt to dumb to write one - but now, with Grok, I can ask the stupidest questions and it'll give me answers quickly. I don't break my writing flow, and I just continue writing, armed with the info provided. I am no longer scared, or ashamed, I feel capable of writing again.

When I realised this - I cried. I sat on my office floor, and I just cried. It was such a relief. I had felt so alone, and so...stupid...ever since walking out of that exam, to finally be able to write again was incredible.

So, yes, I do understand the fears everyone has about AI coming to consume all our art, our writings, and our jobs. They're all real fears. But it is also an incredibly amazing tool for someone like me. And I choose to see it as that:

A tool.

Just like my laptop and my Wacom were tools that helped me, so is the dangerous and scary AI - and I am ever so curious to see what the future holds for it, and us.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has felt too 'behind' to chase my dreams. How about you, Dearest Reader, if you have, how have you clawed your way back to those dreams, and what tools have helped you climb the mountain and rediscover the excitement and passion?