Tea & Whiskers: Letter to my Future Husband

To my Future Husband,

It’s true. I’m on a hilarious quest to find you. It’s hilarious, because, it’s a topic of much amusement and laughter, and you know what, that’s okay. It is actually pretty funny that I haven’t found you amongst all the fish in this ocean that apparently exist out there.

You must be a really special guy, and I hope you know that, right now, wherever you are. I pray for you, and I have prayed for you since I was a little girl.

My heart has always been set on motherhood. I’ll be honest, I am completely shattered that this dream remains unfulfilled. I try so hard to be grateful for what I have, for the blessings the Lord has provided for me – and I am so rich in blessings. I have a wonderful family, and I can't wait for you to meet them. But it is like a choking, strangling rope around my neck that tightens whenever I see babies and families and no matter what I do to try and overcome this emotional battle – I fail. It is raw, and real, and I have just had to accept it. Accepting it, instead of denying it, and trying to fight it, has actually made it so much easier to deal with. I do not know when we will meet, if it is a year from now, or ten years from now – but I just wanted you to know, this has been something I have truly had to battle with.

So, by now, it’s probably obvious to you that I love cats. I have loved cats since I was a little girl. I do not care what the world says about women in their thirties/forties and cats, I will always be that little girl who just adores cats.

It has been a long process, coming to accept who I am with the autism and the fibromyalgia, as well as learning to love the woman I see in the mirror – and sometimes, I falter. I fall back into my old way of thinking, and I crumble, and I see something hideous, I see an ugly ogre instead of a princess and daughter of the Creator. I believe this will be something I will have to work on forever, a personal battle that I will constantly have to fight every day as I forever learn to put on Spiritual Armour. Some days are easier than others, to see beyond scars and body shape, but just – I just wanted you to know – that sometimes, I will sound insecure, because, in that moment, I probably am. There are days I walk past a window and catch a glimpse of myself, and it is the ogre I see looking back at me and I am deeply ashamed, and believe I am unworthy of any love. Those days are very hard, and sometimes, I just need a hug.

Hormones are real. They are the bane of my existence. They are brutal and they toss me around, I often just feel like spontaneously crying while just doing housework. It is perhaps made worse with chronic pain, sure, but I am woman enough to admit – hormones are the worst and sometimes, all I need is a hug, and to be told that everything is okay, the world is not ending, and that’s all it takes to make the world right again. You might have to do that a lot. It will require patience, empathy and kindness.

I was told once by a guy on a dating app that I was high maintenance due to my chronic illness, and that this was a problem. It hurt, and it took me a long time to process that. Upon reflection, yes, I am probably very high maintenance. However, I prefer to think that everything I have gone through, the pain I endure, the struggles I have faced, have forged me into someone who is resilient, far more resilient than I probably give myself credit for most days. So, yes, you may need empathy, and to offer extra hugs, and I guess if that makes me high maintenance – then I guess I am.

I want to give you the world, I want to give you a safe home, a warm home, a place you feel so very loved and blessed to return too. I hope to build that home with you, so it is ours, together. I am aware that my chronic illness will make some days harder, but I truly hope that I can bring you peace in the times you need it, and joy and laughter, and companionship. I hope we can praise and pray together, play games, have anime nights, walk the beach, camp and hike (I’m really slow, I’m so sorry for that) and just linger under the stars. Let’s build a home, and a family together, and walk through life together as we explore God’s abounding Grace and all his wonderous creation and glory.

Wherever you are,

Be safe,

God bless,

Kylie