Trust - Christian Life

When I was a little girl there was a prayer I prayed – over and over in my journals. I prayed that God would teach me to live a life learning to trust in him.

This line, this concept – this thread – ‘Trust God’—has sustained me, and continues to sustain me. Yet it is not easy. Trust sort of exists in this constant state, it’s a flat line that is cut through my life.

What wavers is my emotional state, which is in a state of flux. It could be my personality, or that I’m a very emotional woman—or something like that. I do not believe that being emotional is a negative. My grandmother used to tell me that I had a superpower, an ability to walk into a room and read the faces of everyone around me and understand their emotions. I always appreciated that encouragement from grandma.

I fundamentally believe that God created us as emotional beings, and I think he wonderfully delights in that aspect of our humanity. Of course, there is a degree of self-control that comes along with emotions. I’ll be the first to admit, sometimes I just need someone to tell me I’m being hyperbolic, that the world isn’t ending, and it’ll be okay—have a hug—a little cry—and I’ll be fine in about half-an-hour. That may sound condescending to some, but I find it helpful to have someone around to break the mental loop an emotional brain can get caught in. Breaking that loop yourself—sure—you can do that—but I like to think God gifted us the desire for connections for a reason.

So while I know that God is the stability in my life, the constant, unending provider—that he will never, ever leave me, sometimes at night I sit in my bed, and I cry—I am alone. It’s overwhelmingly shattering, the awful, immense feeling of abandonment. It exists. Its there. I don’t know what to do about it.

But I still trust.

It’s hard to describe this complex paradox.

Recently I have been drawn in my Bible readings to Habakkuk Chapter 3 verse 17 -18

17 Though the fig tree does not bud

and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails

and the fields produce no food,

though there are no sheep in the pen

and no cattle in the stalls,

18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,

I will be joyful in God my Savior.

I struggle with the sorrow that my life is meaningless, and a waste. The dreams I had I find them scattered around me, shattered and broken. For all my trying, for all my nurturing, the fig tree just does not bud and all my crops fail.

And yet I am left with this consuming trust in God. Though I am so afraid. Though I am so lonely. The pain gets unbearable sometimes:

“I will be joyful in God, my Savior.”

That is life. I am sustained by his strength, not my own.

Habakkuk Chapter 3 Verse 19

19 The Sovereign Lord is my strength;

he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,

he enables me to tread on the heights.

I don’t know what else to do but trust in God, and praise him.