Tea & Whiskers: Key of Promise

I understand the deepest pits of despair, because I am so very often there. Late at night, I will be in bed, and I will desire an end.

This is very hard to admit -

It is hard to tell the world that so often, pain can bring me to a place of complete and utter despair.

During these nights, I lament to God that I cannot do it, I cannot go on, I just want to go home, to a place of no pain. I think it is important to stipulate that I do not actually want to die. That's just the gut reaction, the frustration, the visceral momentary boiling over.

This is not depression - no - this is despair. They are two entirely unique beasts.

I was always annoyed by the notion of being told that I had "depression" by a doctor, because it never seemed at all to be a good descriptor for my random and brief moments of anguish and frustration at my chronic pain. Depression I have always imagined as a sapping malaise, such as the Swamp of Sadness in Michael Ende's The Neverending Story.

I truly am so glad, every day, for being alive and being blessed to experience the world. Due to my chronic pain, I have learnt to delight in the most simplest joys now. So no, dearest doctor, I am far from depressed.

I fall into despair. Because pain is very, very exhausting, and I desire to do ALL THE THINGS.

When I was a little girl my Dad read to us the Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan, and it very quickly became one of my all time favorite stories. In the Pilgrim's Progress, Christian and his companion, Hopeful, are on the King's Highway to reach the Celestial City. Along the way, the road becomes annoyingly rough on their feet, and they notice a nice path through a meadow and decide to take it. It is, indeed, much nicer and easier on their feet - but night soon falls, the path is lost, and the weather turns foul and they loose their way in the rain. They have no choice but to sleep curled up beneath a tree, hopeful for sunshine in the morning.

Morning brings the surprise of being seized by Giant Despair, who drags them both back to his stronghold 'Doubting Castle' where he throws them into the dungeon and leaves them there without food and water for many days. When Giant Despair does return, he beats them until they cannot move. He tells them to save him the trouble, and to kill themselves, and gives them options of how to do so.

Christian and Hopeful are consumed by this despair. Christian even contemplates that perhaps, yes, their only choice is death. Hopeful cautions him - no - that is not the answer. Then what? Christian asks, is the answer.

Neither of them know. They do not know how to escape this terrible place of despair.

So they pray, and they pray, all night.

Until finally, Christian remembers something -

Illustration by Alan Parry

“What a fool," quoth he, "am I, thus to lie in a stinking Dungeon, when I may as well walk at liberty. I have a Key in my bosom called Promise, that will, I am persuaded, open any Lock in Doubting Castle.”

The Key of Promise.

And so Christian and Hopeful get up, and walk out of Doubting Castle, and return to the King's Highway.

Oh, we forgot it, all the time - just like Christian. We forget that we are Children of Promise. Hold your head up high and walk forth into the world, knowing you carry a key with you that can unlock anything.

How easily the world whispers at me, trying to tell me that I'm incapable of coping, that I'm drowning, that nothing is working my way, that there is no food in the fridge or money in the bank, that I will never marry or have children - that pain is all I am to ever expect from life.

Giant Despair beats me, and locks me up and I do not know what to do.

Well, I am reminded of two other pilgrim's from long ago, who also found themselves thrown into a dungeon after a beating.

Paul and Silas.

Acts 16:22 - 26

22 The crowd joined in the attack against Paul and Silas, and the magistrates ordered them to be stripped and beaten with rods. 23 After they had been severely flogged, they were thrown into prison, and the jailer was commanded to guard them carefully. 24 When he received these orders, he put them in the inner cell and fastened their feet in the stocks.

25 About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them. 26 Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everyone’s chains came loose.

So often in times when Paul had every right to give into despair, he knew what to do:

He prayed and he sung songs of praise. While his body was shackled and in pain, he choose to look to God.

Often I find myself asking my Dad, 'what do I do?' or I am stuck in a loop, 'I don't know what to do?' - I'm in so much pain, just moving is difficult.

I believe I found an answer to my questioning.